Category: Satire

Student Wants to Know “Why You so Obsessed with Me?”

A second-semester freshman student complained today that one of her classmates is “so obsessed” with her. The student, Hillary Topper ‘22, said that ever since arriving in her journalism class, Annie Crier ‘19 has been overly focused on what she’s doing. “It’s really the weirdest thing,” she complained. “I just showed up here ready to ...

White Students Relieved by Whitewashed Syllabi

With syllabus week nearing its end, students are relieved to be met once again with multiple homogeneous syllabi. “I got concerned that I might have to listen to someone that doesn’t look like me,” a white male sophomore told The Hilltopper. “It puts me at ease to know that every class is filled with a ...

School “Respects” Football Players But Won’t Let Them Play

Controversy is swirling around the Saint Anselm College football players who said they just want to “toss around the pigskin” in peace. Unfortunately, the College has continued to prevent them from playing their sport on campus. It all goes back to a passage taken from Leviticus in the Old Testament: “And the pig, though it ...

Students Attempt to Study for Finals Without Being Morally Outraged

‘Twas the night before finals when all through the Hilltop, all students were studying, until hate made them stop. Early Sunday evening, The Hilltopper received word from multiple nameless sources that students naively believed they could endure finals week without facing discrimination. “We just assumed, you know, that people would stop attacking our identities for ...