Student Wants to Know “Why You so Obsessed with Me?”

A second-semester freshman student complained today that one of her classmates is “so obsessed” with her. The student, Hillary Topper ‘22, said that ever since arriving in her journalism class, Annie Crier ‘19 has been overly focused on what she’s doing.

“It’s really the weirdest thing,” she complained. “I just showed up here ready to contribute to my journalism class. I’ve worked really hard. I do all my research, I go out of my way to do the best work I can, and yet, Annie is always breathing down my neck.”

When asked to corroborate her accusations with more specific anecdotes, Topper had a list of things to share. “A few weeks ago, I decided to start trying to talk more in class, so I would sometimes make witty jokes to prove my point. Annie was pretty quiet all year, but the second I started making jokes – she did, too!”

Other students in the class agreed with Topper’s version of events. “Look, Annie Crier’s a cool girl. I’ve had a lot of classes with her because she’s a senior, and she’s ya know – she’s always there. She’s a dependable friend. But I mean Hillary Topper is just great! She brought all this new energy to campus, and I mean her jokes are hysterical. She’s not trying to impress anyone, she’s just doing her thing. Then, Annie started making jokes and well, they’re just kind of awkward.”

The obsession has moved beyond personality and into school work, Topper reported. “The other day I handed in a reflection on what I’ve learned this year. The next day, Annie had her own reflection on the same topic. It’s just so weird to me.”

Perhaps most frustrating for Topper is the fact that Crier remains the teacher’s pet. “All I’m saying is I have every right to be in this class, and yet, it seems like my professor keeps favoriting Annie. They don’t even read the papers I turn in.” Topper explained that when she goes to get help from faculty, administration, and even fellow students, they shut the door in her face (sometimes literally!)

“I just don’t understand why we can’t get along,” complained Topper. “Campus is big enough for us both.”

Annie Crier ‘19 did not respond to our requests to comment.

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